"Restart, restore, recovery"

The name of this blog can imply different things to different people, and those who know me one way will think I'm referring to one thing while those who know me another way will think I'm referring to another. Basically: story of my life.

I turned twenty yesterday. The big 2-0. As in, I am not a teenager anymore. It seems my entire life I've been the stupid angsty angry teenager with stupid emotional issues. I cry too easily. I mope about my life. I wish I had a different life. That angsty teenager would refer to "restart, restore, recovery" as a meaningful life thing. Something about restarting my life, fresh starts, blah blah. Restore. Restoring my faith in people. Recovery. Recovering from problems and disasters that strike me. Complete. Bullshit. Pretty much.

The truer meaning is that I really like computers. I'm really good at it too. I find it difficult not to be; when you spend hours and hours on a computer every day, how can you not learn about its functionalities, its little keyboard shortscuts and explore custom preferences you can set for all your favorite programs. If a problem pops up--google it. The internet is just a click away. I love typing. I prefer the clicking of keys over the strain of my hand trying to form squiggles on paper. Eletronics and technology just comes naturally to me. The way everything is designed and set up seems logical and practical.

Like science. When you study science, you can do practice problems because there is an unlimited number of possible problems for the same type of problem. Say you want to determine whether a chiral carbon is S or R. Switch out the atoms of the molecule and you change S and R. You can practice finding S and R on an unlimited number of molecules. Or, if you're doing a synthesis scheme, triple bond ---> _______ ----> _______ ---> keytone. It's like a puzzle! Like one of those word puzzles where you start with TURN and you change one letter of the previous word each step (the resulting word has to be a valid English word as well) and after four unknown steps you end up with BONE or something. Puzzles! (OMG I hate people who use exclamation marks.)

With sociology it was like, MEMORIZE THIS. It didn't feel like learning. I mean, kind of in a sense it was like, fine, I'm learning about group processes and definitions of stuff and these different kinds of theories. But I mean, there were no problems to do. There was no doing.

Economics is a science misplaced into the world of "social sciences." I mean, yeah sure, we're learning about these different macroeconomics, and their "properties" but really, it's like a math class. We prove everything mathematically or graphically, and it all makes sense. Then we explores the implications of everything and the intuition behind it, the economics part. It's not subjective. There's no arguing right or wrong. Well, not really. I like when we talk about the implications of it on our own, very real, lives. And when my professor tells us what to do. Because it's the smartest thing or whatever. Because I really just don't know.

Too bad I can't think of any bullshit way to connect economics with some science that I might want to do. Any science, even. And even if I did think of some connection, I forget that this connection, this very specific specialty, is where my future career will start.

Sometimes I think I want to do engineering. Some sort of engineering. It sounds perfect. Engineering. Engineering things. Making things. I am a very hands-on person. But there is no engineering at our school that sounds appealing, especially given the huge workload, I think that might be one major, one door, that is shut to me. My goal so far has been to keep as many doors open as possible. I think I'm hoping that some time in the future, my goals, ambitions, aspirations, etc etc, will all click together and it won't be too late to do anything about it because I've left all these doors open and subconsciously led the way towards this future awesomeness.

Probably not how it's going to work out. Sometimes I find all this information on the University career services page and I wonder if it's useful. I wonder if I went into my economics professor's office and sat down and chatted with him, we can brainstorm something brilliant that I am perfect for, something I had never even thought of before. There are all these resources the school provides us but I haven't done anything. Nothing. I need to get involved. Join clubs, form interest and start programs. Have ambitions. Work the system.

Sometimes I wonder if having a set of friends and a boyfriend to whom I devote practically all my time to (well, him and WoW) is holding me back from doing all that. Sshhh. I mean, I love my boyfriend and that's the thing. I just absolutely love spending time with him so much, I don't do much of anything else. I'm comfortable. I'm just living day by day and not forcing myself to get out there and DO THINGS because, quite frankly, I'm perfectly satisfied just staying in and sleeping and watching TV shows. And that's just the thing: every now and then I feel bad and I get an urge to be good at life; I'm inspired to go talk to my professor or I feel like tidying up my room or I want to go join a club or something--but then I sit down in front of my laptop and get lost in the world of limitless information and virtual gaming/living. WoW. It provides nothing. Entertainment, I guess, but one should not spend hours upon hours entertaining themselves.

P.s. I saw a group of asians in a study room at the ILC. Sometimes I wish I was part of a little asian group. And had nice clothes.

Also, the idea of going to the ILC and library, group studying in one of the little rooms, or holding a meeting or conference in one of the larger rooms or something--I just absolutely LOVE the idea of that. I mean, that's the college-y environment and experience that I've always imagined. Not that I'm not happy with mine but that, to me, is the epitome of college life.